Safe Speed Forums

I remember this story as an audio recording from the early 1960s. When it came up in conversation, a quick Google found it immediately. I thought it might amuse...

http://www.monologues.co.uk/004/Bricklayers_Story.htm

THE BRICKLAYER'S STORY
by
Gerard Hoffnung
(from his Oxford Union speech)

I've got this thing here that I must read to you.
Now, this is a very tragic thing... I shouldn't, really, read it out.
A striking lesson in keeping the upper lip stiff is given in a recent number of the weekly bulletin of 'The Federation of Civil Engineering Contractors' that prints the following letter from a bricklayer in Golders Green to the firm for whom he works.

Respected sir,

when I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked down some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam, with a pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels of bricks.
When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over.
I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks.
Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope.
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening, the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground.
I decided to hang on!
Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down... and received a severe blow on the shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley!
When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom... allowing all the bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed!
Halfway down... I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury to my shins!
When I hit the ground... I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges!
At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let go of the line!
The barrel then came down... giving me a very heavy blow and putting me in hospital!

I respectfully request 'sick leave'.

_________________
Paul Smith
Our scrap speed cameras petition got over 28,000 sigs
The Safe Speed campaign demands a return to intelligent road safety

Hehe, heard it before, but still good. Also, approving of the use of the word 'Oxford' in the article's introduction!

_________________
-mike[F]
Caught in the rush of the crowd, lost in a wall of sound..

Eeee! .......i'nt life grand when you're daft! .............

You must be a fan also Paul!.........of a much lost art!............. (the Lion and Albert)" Here! ...Yon lion's e'ten our Albert!...and fo'prove it , here's 'is cap!"

Or what about the unforgetable...................1066! (sittin' theer wi' eyeful of 'arrow, on 'is 'orse, wi' 'is 'awk' in 'is 'and!)

Rob Wilton's "Home Guard" monologue will live forever, (speaking to wife) "What d'you mean "what good am I?" Herr Hitler! Do I know 'im?................No, but I've got a tongue in my 'ead 'avent I?"

I wonder if it's all "past and gone", or could we have a "new age" of monologues?

Oh!..........I particularly love "the northern ones" but!........for you "darn sarf"........did you ever hear......"The Magna carta"?

I can't understand why you're approving. There are much better places to go, you know. For instance, here.

My eldest is a student there. Mad Doc seems to claim that St Andrews is where real men and gents study...

golf

_________________
Take with a chuckle or a grain of salt
Drive without COAST and it's all your own fault!

A SMILE is a curve that sets everything straight (P Diller).

A Smiley Per post
FINES USfor our COAST!

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon - but driving with a smile and a COAST calm mind.

Ah!.................You mean:...............FLOG!

However, speakling of comic monologues - find Victoria Wood very funny and the late Joyce Grenfell ... what can you say!


Shirley's picnic has to be a classic. She describes the stream as having pretty white detergent fluff on it (pollution) and a view of a motorway with "coach after coach - lavly - well you gotta have summat nice to look at haven't you! "

"We went on a holiday the other day. It was a pne day outing but it felt longer" (Two hour "to the country")

"Top of this steep hill and we stop - so we did" (you can guess...)

1950's chav day out Wonderful! "Ready quick cheese spread sandwiches and chubby chewy choc bars for afters - we seen 'em on the telly! Bit disappointing really"

And then

"Haze - she say to me - don't look now - but didn't we come 'ere in a car!"

Joyce: "Well I was under that impression!"

Haze: "Arnold - did you put the brake on?"

Arnold: "That men's work my sweet. Don't you worry your pretty little head about the mechanical side of life! !

Haze: "OK dear only wanted to know!"

Arnold: "WHY"
Hhaze: "Well it ain't there no more!"

Joyce: "And do you know it wasn't! We all got up to have a look but not a tickle of it!"

In reply to Gran asking where they were - Joyce replies "Dunno dear. But it took two hours to get 'ere!"

Then she says the boys came back after looking for the car with faces as "long as Lent - not a sign of the car " and talks of leaving the Sunday papers as they had blown all over the place anyway! (Early chav mocking! )

She then talks of getting a bus, the a train and another bus and taking until after midnight to get home again from a two hour CAR drive! and "Haze's stiletto heel from her twinkle pinchers had dropped orf!"

Punchline - farmer found the car upside down in a haystack down the hill!

Wonderful stuff! Grenfell - think she has to be one of the finest stand up comics ever.

_________________
Take with a chuckle or a grain of salt
Drive without COAST and it's all your own fault!

A SMILE is a curve that sets everything straight (P Diller).

A Smiley Per post
FINES USfor our COAST!

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon - but driving with a smile and a COAST calm mind.

In Gear, a lady friend of my wifes is JUST like Victoria Wood, similar in looks also, all but slightly slimmer.

She has many stories.............But the day she braked heavily when some Pratt pulled out in front of her and the: "er.........well he was Pakistani, behind became irrate and made the mistake of touching her shoulder (she being Judo trained) was NOT his best day!

The two blokes waiting at the nearby bus-stop fell about laughing!!!!!!

Agreed

Now there is another camel story.

In days of old - James Simpson-Smythe( no relation to the smiths of Elgin)
made trip into the deserts of Africa.
James decided to go for 10 days - and needed a camel that could last this long.
Problem was that this was the heavy season for hiring and he could not get one.
He settled for a six day one - refuel once and then back.
Last thing he heard was "Don't forget to BRICK HIM Sahib" ,as he left the yard.
Now James being a fully paid up member of "WE DO NOT HURT ANIMALS AND WE RESPECT DESERT SPEED LIMITS PARTNERSHIP"did not know this meant - but being a true establishment Brit - he could not admit it.

Sure enough after six days - camel dry.

James stuck its head into an oasis - no luck.
James talked to it, cajoled it , reasoned with it - no luck,and going against his principles (kicked it)

Lo and behold - a camel train appeared -
the head said - "problems"
James said"YES, GOT A SIX DAY CAMEL AND THIS IS DAY SIX"( James shouts as he believes the this is corect translation device for foreigners)
Head replies "Have you bricked it"
James "NO(remembering dealer, but in true brit stance not wishing to admit ignorance)
Head replied - "Me show you "
Head places camel over oasis.
Head splayes camels rear legs and Mr camels bits and pieces drop into view.
Head picks up bricks ( conveniently placed nearby)
Head pushes camels head in water and strikes camels rear bits with bricks.
Camel goes "WHOSH"
hEAD SAYS - "Camel now full"

James Simpson-Smythe ( WE DO NOT HURT ANIMALS AND WE RESPECT DESERT SPEED LIMITS PARTNERSHIP)
says "DIDN'T THAT HURT"

Head of camel train replies -"no Shib, we do it all the time - trick is in keeping thumbs on outside of bricks"

Hehe, actually, I quite liked Cambridge when I visited, despite myself. (*mumbles something about 'filthy tabs' *) Seemed quite a bit prettier than Oxford. Apparently the nightlife isn't as exciting though..

_________________
-mike[F]
Caught in the rush of the crowd, lost in a wall of sound..

Nah! You dont want to be somewhere that flat - you want hills so you can take bearings on high peaks, or lower bits like HERE

_________________
Time to take responsibility for our actions.. and don't be afraid of speaking out!

The barrel story was featured in an episode of Mythbusters on the Discovery channel...

http://dsc.discovery.com/fansites/mythb ... de_07.html

The story has achieved true urban legend status in America!