Safe Speed Forums

I thought Zippo must have got grabbed at customs on his way back from holidays.

I warned him that his duty free allowance didn't include 1 kilo of talcum powder!

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Time to take responsibility for our actions.. and don't be afraid of speaking out!

I think the big crab machine sent to get Zippo succeeded Grabs.

Either that or he's still basking in the sun somewhere

You know how in building construction there is a late delivery penalty for every week over...

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The views expressed in this post are personal opinions and do not necessarily represent the views of Safe Speed.
You will be branded a threat to society by going over a speed limit where it is safe to do so, and suffer the consequences of your actions in a way criminals do not, more so than someone who is a real threat to our society.

Not so far wrong Ernest, I have in fact been in the pokey (prison for non Scottish readers) since returning from my hols. The initial and most serious charge was "not possesing a valid certificate of competence to handle a baggage trolley", but once they had me on that more charges soon followed, as detailed below.

Using a baggage trolley with a faulty castor wheel.
Using an underladen baggage trolley (weight was insufficient to qualify to use one).
Using a baggge trolley without a current MOT certificate.
Using a baggge trolley without having a man with red flag in front.
Using a baggge trolley with no current Floor Tax displayed.
Knowingly causing others (Mrs Zippo) to use a faulty unlicenced baggage trolley.
Using foul language in an airport, thus causing alarm amongst members of the public and a full countrywide terrorist alert.
Causing upset & distress amongst security staff by asking if I could speak to someone with an IQ higher that 43.
Upsetting a member of security staff who is currently undergoing hormone and gender re-assignment treatment by calling him/her a fanny, thusly causing him/her to burst into tears.
Failing to thank the arresting officers for stopping me from causing further danger to members of the public.

The fact that all the legislation relating to baggage trolleys came into force while we were on holiday cut no ice, ignorance is no excuse blah blah.

My defence lawyer says that if I sell all my assets, gather my life saving together and transfer the lot to lawyers firm Shilo Shilo Shilo & Fat George (Fat George is apparently chairperson of the Health & Safety Advisory sub sub sub Commitee) he might be able to get me a reduced sentence of 10 years in pokey, a damn good spanking (performed by the sentencing judge personnally), and having to attend Trolley Awareness Courses every evening for the rest of my life.

If the rain stays ON I'll do a bit of judging this afternoon, if not I'll try but no promises, got stuff needs doing outside

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You only need two tools - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. :0)

Its still raining .... sooooo ....

Jings this is proving to be difficult, there are some cracking captions .... and as nobody sent an envelope with actual money in (Grabs, the dead rat was thoughtful but not really my cup of tea, though the cat really appreciated it ), looks like I'll have to do the decent thing and actually choose the one I find funniest ..... sooooo ... without futher ado ..... here goes .....

In 1st place is Graball with ..... roll the drums, cue the fanfare .... ta da ....
"That's the last time I get pi@@ed and buy the 'Ultimate Pick-up Machine' off a guy down the pub!"



Second place goes to Big Tone for ......
"British version of RoboCop unveiled at Earls Court".


Third goes to Ernest Marsh with his tooooo close to the truth for comfort! .....
"BRAKE's new road de-maintenance vehicle operates at night under cover of darkness.
It creates potholes to supplement or replace the humps that some councils are doing away with, thus slowing traffic."


Honourable mentions in no particular order for ......

"Kiev residents are adamant that Cheronobyl has had no lasting effect on local wildlife."

"Does it do its own jump start?"

"Frank was tired of being clamped every time he drove into town, until he picked up this little baby on ebay."

"JCB and Chrysler work together to make first adult version of Transformer"

"Nah, nah, nah, this is how it works. My bruv heard on the radio that they are gonna start making signs for potholes now....sooo he bungs all of his redundancy money bar 500 quid, into a sign making company, then goes out and buys that monstrosity, for me to drive around the streets after dark, dunnee! this time next year, Trigger."

And the rest I av'nt mentioned!!

Over to you Grabs ..... P.S. still no sign of that gold cup from Tone, but if you'd like the box of stuff he sent me by mistake just ask, I only have a use for the gas mask and lipstick

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You only need two tools - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. :0)

Well Done Graball
Congratulations

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Safe Speed for Intelligent Road Safety through proper research, experience & guidance.

Cheers all, thanks Zippo, the dead rat was hiding the diamonds....you better start digging in all the places where tiddles might have buried his poo, mate!

Oh well, "it gives me great pleasure to accept this wonderful accolade and much grief to think that I gotto find a funny pic now"....watch this space around xmas time and I'll see what I can dig up.....

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My views do not represent Safespeed but those of a driver who has driven for 39 yrs, in all conditions, at all times of the day & night on every type of road and covered well over a million miles, so knows a bit about what makes for safety on the road,what is really dangerous and needs to be observed when driving and quite frankly, the speedo is way down on my list of things to observe to negotiate Britain's roads safely, but I don't expect some fool who sits behind a desk all day to appreciate that.

My garden now resembles a Brazillian open cast gold mining operation but no sign of any diamonds Funny though, my next door neighbour just came home with a brand spanking new Merc, only the other day he was telling me how skint they were ... hmmmmm I wonder

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You only need two tools - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. :0)

Congrats Grabby Sorry, but times are hard so I had to sell the gold cup I'm affraid.

I’ve got a replacement pet you can have though, if you’re interested? (Slight topic drift). Damn thing first frightened the crap out of me two weeks ago. He also shimmies up my bird table and scoffs the lot. I’ve got a powerful air rifle but I can’t bring myself to shoot it, or any living thing for that matter.

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The views expressed in this post are personal opinions and do not necessarily represent the views of Safe Speed.
You will be branded a threat to society by going over a speed limit where it is safe to do so, and suffer the consequences of your actions in a way criminals do not, more so than someone who is a real threat to our society.

Well if you do, stuff it full of diamonds, send it my way and you will def win the next comp....

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My views do not represent Safespeed but those of a driver who has driven for 39 yrs, in all conditions, at all times of the day & night on every type of road and covered well over a million miles, so knows a bit about what makes for safety on the road,what is really dangerous and needs to be observed when driving and quite frankly, the speedo is way down on my list of things to observe to negotiate Britain's roads safely, but I don't expect some fool who sits behind a desk all day to appreciate that.

Weren't you even even a little bit suspicious, when he bought Tiddles that silver collar and started putting champagne out for him?

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My views do not represent Safespeed but those of a driver who has driven for 39 yrs, in all conditions, at all times of the day & night on every type of road and covered well over a million miles, so knows a bit about what makes for safety on the road,what is really dangerous and needs to be observed when driving and quite frankly, the speedo is way down on my list of things to observe to negotiate Britain's roads safely, but I don't expect some fool who sits behind a desk all day to appreciate that.

Don't tell us, the crab digger was yours all along wasn't it?

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My views do not represent Safespeed but those of a driver who has driven for 39 yrs, in all conditions, at all times of the day & night on every type of road and covered well over a million miles, so knows a bit about what makes for safety on the road,what is really dangerous and needs to be observed when driving and quite frankly, the speedo is way down on my list of things to observe to negotiate Britain's roads safely, but I don't expect some fool who sits behind a desk all day to appreciate that.

... or perhaps he was the one that really found that recent Roman Treasure ! ? ... or was hoping to ! Still at least now planting the veggies will be easy !

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Safe Speed for Intelligent Road Safety through proper research, experience & guidance.

Damn, busted!! Yes yes it's mine, it's a short story .... you see I was sitting down the pub minding my own business getting seriously pickled when this guy approached me and whispered "pssssttt, wanna buy the Ultimate Pick-up Machine real cheap"?

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You only need two tools - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. :0)

Last time the neighbour went near our cat .... he had to count all his fingers and I'd imagine his violin playing days might be over

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You only need two tools - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. :0)

If you were a bit closer could give you the loan of a cat, she's a vicious lil s*d, but has very well proven abilities in pest control and would certainly make short work of your lil problem.

Trouble with thems ratty things is .... where there is one ........

Solutions 1 - construct cunning trap and move ratty to new home miles away.
Solution 2 - get/borrow a cat.

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You only need two tools - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. :0)

Thanks for the offer but a cat wouldn't be gentle with it.

But he looks so cute with his little fingers nibbling away at a morsel. Reminds me of my daughter’s old pet rat, called Pip. The claim that they jump for your neck is false. I believe they might if you corner them but they’re not actually going for your neck they just want to get the hell away from you.

Anyway, I’ve found out that he has a rat run from two doors away. I’ve since cut my thorny hedges right down so he can’t hide as well and I’ve constructed a ring of thorns from them around the bird table so he won’t be able to shimmy up it anymore hopefully.

I heard my neighbour is going to get someone in to deal with him; I hope it’s not a horrible death. My air rifle would dispatch him quickly and kindly but knowing my luck I’d just take his eye out or something. I don't leave my French doors open like I used to anymore. ANyway, sorry to bore everyone with my rat story..

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The views expressed in this post are personal opinions and do not necessarily represent the views of Safe Speed.
You will be branded a threat to society by going over a speed limit where it is safe to do so, and suffer the consequences of your actions in a way criminals do not, more so than someone who is a real threat to our society.

While we wait for a new picture to caption, here is one to keep you going... just for fun you understand - no shiny gold, diamond encrusted cat feeding bowl for this one!!



"I thought YOU wrote down which row it was parked in!"

_________________
Time to take responsibility for our actions.. and don't be afraid of speaking out!

"No Norman, when I said bring plenty of Readies with you, this isn't what I meant!"

_________________
My views do not represent Safespeed but those of a driver who has driven for 39 yrs, in all conditions, at all times of the day & night on every type of road and covered well over a million miles, so knows a bit about what makes for safety on the road,what is really dangerous and needs to be observed when driving and quite frankly, the speedo is way down on my list of things to observe to negotiate Britain's roads safely, but I don't expect some fool who sits behind a desk all day to appreciate that.

In a typical Essex girl voice:
"How are you supposed to know which one has a tiny willy, when they are all in the same car?"

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Time to take responsibility for our actions.. and don't be afraid of speaking out!

"Yes sir, the TDCi engine has a 1.6 litre (available in 95 PS or 115 PS variants) and powerful 2.0 litre TDCi in 115 PS, 140 PS or 163 PS."

"Hello madam, a red one? Yes you'll find them over there."

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The views expressed in this post are personal opinions and do not necessarily represent the views of Safe Speed.
You will be branded a threat to society by going over a speed limit where it is safe to do so, and suffer the consequences of your actions in a way criminals do not, more so than someone who is a real threat to our society.