|release date: 12th May 2004||number: PR122|
NEWS: SPOOF: For immediate release
After an extensive investigation over 15 years, The Government Camera Group announced their breakthrough findings today. The conclusion is that in almost all cases being born leads to death.
The Government Camera Group has been working on speed up until now, and has been warning us that speed kills, but this has proved ineffective. "There just weren't enough deaths caused by speed to make a real difference" said spokesman: Dicky Brainstorm. "We only had a small handful of deaths where speed was a factor - under 200 each year in the UK. However in every single one of the 585,000 deaths in the UK in 2002, birth was found to be a factor."
Dicky points out: "The correlation is astonishing. We haven't been able to identify even one death that was not preceded by a birth. People need to understand this right now. Clearly birth is extremely dangerous and should be stamped out.
The Government Camera Group calls for cameras to be introduced in Hospital Maternity Wards to monitor anyone who might be stupid enough to give birth. "There will be substantial fines for those that give birth", continues Dicky, "How else are we going to get deaths down?"
Further findings are:
* It takes quite a while for birth to have
its deadly effect, "We estimate somewhere in the region of 40 to 100 years"
explains Dicky. "Of course, that makes it all the more important that we
aim to stamp
* No other method has proved effective at preventing deaths. "Just look at the billions we have been wasting on hospitals, doctors and medicine!" exclaims Dicky, "And none of it has been successful at preventing deaths."
* There presently seem to be about 6 billion exceptional cases where death has not followed birth. We're investigating.
* It is expected that the birth cameras will be self-financing both in terms of fines and in terms of reduction in health care costs. "It's a win win situation" says Dicky.
Next, The Government Camera Group plans to investigate what the effects will be on population numbers.
Notes for editors.
Please feel free to do with this what you will. Maybe it's a "quriky". Maybe it'll just cause slight amusement around the office.
If you happend to find of way of crediting
Safe Speed with it, that's good, but not required.
About Safe Speed:
Since setting up Safe Speed in 2001, Paul
Smith, 48, an advanced motorist and road safety enthusiast, and a professional
engineer of 25 years UK experience, has carried out in excess of
4,500 hours of research into the
The inescapable conclusion is that we should urgently return to the excellent road safety policies that gave us in the UK the safest roads in the World in the first place.
Safe Speed does not campaign against speed
limits or appropriate enforcement of motoring laws, but argues vigorously
that automated speed enforcement is neither safe nor appropriate.
Contact Safe Speed:
We are available for press and media interviews.body
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Created 22/06/2004. Last update 22/06/2004