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Birth Kills

After an extensive investigation over 15 years, The Government Camera
Group announced their breakthrough findings today. The conclusion is
that in almost all cases being born leads to death.

The Government Camera Group has been working on speed up until now,
and has been warning us that speed kills, but this has proved
ineffective. "There just weren't enough deaths caused by speed to make
a real difference" said spokesman: Dicky Brainstorm. "We only had a
small handful of deaths where speed was a factor - under 200 each year
in the UK. However in every single one of the 585,000 deaths in the UK
in 2002, birth was found to be a factor."

Dicky points out: "The correlation is astonishing. We haven't been
able to identify even one death that was not preceded by a birth.
People need to understand this right now. Clearly birth is extremely
dangerous and should be stamped out.

The Government Camera Group calls for cameras to be introduced in
Hospital Maternity Wards to monitor anyone who might be stupid enough
to give birth. "There will be substantial fines for those that give
birth", continues Dicky, "How else are we going to get deaths down?"

Further findings are:

* It takes quite a while for birth to have its deadly effect, "We
estimate somewhere in the region of 40 to 100 years" explains Dicky.
"Of course, that makes it all the more important that we aim to stamp
out birth as soon as possible."

* No other method has proved effective at preventing deaths. "Just
look at the billions we have been wasting on hospitals, doctors and
medicine!" exclaims Dicky, "And none of it has been successful at
preventing deaths."

* There presently seem to be about 6 billion exceptional cases where
death has not followed birth. We're investigating.

* It is expected that the birth cameras will be self-financing both in
terms of fines and in terms of reduction in health care costs. "It's a
win win situation" say Dicky.

Next, The Government Camera Group plans to investigate what the
effects will be on population numbers.

<ends>

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Paul Smith
Our scrap speed cameras petition got over 28,000 sigs
The Safe Speed campaign demands a return to intelligent road safety

Please no more, my sides are hurting and I can't see through the tears !!! Absolutely hilarious !!!

Hang on, don't the partnerships already use that logic

_________________
Gordon Brown saying I got the country into it's current economic mess so I'll get us out of it is the same as Bomber Harris nipping over to Dresden and offering to repair a few windows.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

http://www.wildcrafts.co.uk

You could say the same about divorce.
100% of divorces are preceded by marriage.

_________________
Semper in excreta, nur quantitat variat.

Hehe.

Crikey we need to act fast here. Let's start by forming a pressure group something like SafeSex. We'd need a slogan:
Make Birth Cameras as Unacceptable as Death on the Roads, or something like that.
We absolutely must hammer home the message that it's the innapropriate use of birth that's the problem, not just being born per-se.
Wonder how the Births/Death ratio would plot on a chart then?

I took the liberty of drawing a graph to reflect the shocking statistics.



As you can see from this, there is a VERY CLEAR link between the numbers of births and deaths. We must eliminate births completely as soon as humanly possible. It's a a large majority spoil it for the rest of us...

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-mike[F]
Caught in the rush of the crowd, lost in a wall of sound..

Once again statistics are being manipulated and this graph is a very good example. Whilst it initially appears that there is a 1 to 1 correalation between births and deaths, the graph clearly fails to account for those of a muslim persuasion who believe in reincarnation.

How do we plot the curve when this is taken into account? Surely there would be some sort of regression to the mean anomaly with all these people dying and then being reborn.

If you subscribe to the christian view that Jesus died on the cross to be reborn then he is currently in limbo and the 1 to 1 relationship is lost.

Only with thorough research and a better understanding will we know the truth.

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Troll baiter extraordinaire

I think you mean Buddists and Hindus, rather than Muslims.

I sent the spoof out through our Press release system and we have the following "mention":

http://www.carkeys.co.uk/news/2004_may/13/2996.asp

Spoof On Speed


(13 May 04)

CARkeys gets more than its fair share of press releases from various groups complaining about the existence of speed cameras. Normally we don't use them as the basis of news items, simply because the situation doesn't change enough to warrant doing so.

We do, however, take this opportunity to report the heavy sigh that wafted through the office when the latest missive came through from an organisation called Safe Speed, which concerns itself with the "major flaws and false assumptions in the claims made for speed cameras, and the whole 'speed kills' system of road safety".

Or at least that's what it usually does. The latest press release is a self-proclaimed spoof which "reports" on a discovery by the Government Camera Group (spokesman: Dicky Brainstorm) that the primary cause of all known deaths is birth. The Group's reaction is to set up cameras in maternity wards, and heavily fine anyone found giving birth.

Whatever the pros and cons involved in the speed camera of debate, the quality of argument has not progressed one step.

=================================

I thought that was pretty offensive and inaccurate, so I sent the following email:

=======================
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: News item
Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 05:17:49 +0100
From: Paul Smith <psmith@safespeed.org.uk>
Organization: Safe Speed
To: editorial@carkeys.co.uk

Sirs,

This:

http://www.carkeys.co.uk/news/2004_may/13/2996.asp

Is unkind and unwarranted. It includes: "the quality of argument has not
progressed one step." which is hardly a fair comment about a spoof. In any
case, humour is entirely a personal matter and so far we have received these
comments from others:

"That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Are you having a mad
moment? ... Must read it again. Thanks. Brightened my day."

"Please no more, my sides are hurting and I can't see through the tears !!!
Absolutely hilarious !!!
Hang on, don't the partnerships already use that logic"

I am also rather disappointed that you find the quality of our argument poor.
Are you even aware of our arguments and research? There's a 300,000 word web
site and I can put my hand on my heart and inform you that we have done a
great deal to advance the debate with extremely high quality arguments. There
are many items of entirely original research, which, taken together,
effectively prove that speed cameras are making our roads more dangerous. Why
do you think Tom Collins, Former shadow secretary of State for Transport said
(during his term of office and in writing): "I hope you will recognise the
flavour of some of your excellent arguments in statements I have been making
over the past few weeks".

I seriously think you're missing something. If you want to understand it
better you can contact me on 01862 832000.
================================

The buggers haven't replied. I think I'll email them again.

If anyone else happened to want to email them the address is: editorial@carkeys.co.uk

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Paul Smith
Our scrap speed cameras petition got over 28,000 sigs
The Safe Speed campaign demands a return to intelligent road safety

Oh come on Paul, that's not what they are saying about your main argument is it, surely?
Seems to me that they are, in a dead-pan manner, simply pointing out that spoofs like this don't do anything to move the general argument forward in any meaningful way.

Yeah. I over reacted. Apologies all.

_________________
Paul Smith
Our scrap speed cameras petition got over 28,000 sigs
The Safe Speed campaign demands a return to intelligent road safety

Whoops, relegion was never a strong point of mine

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Troll baiter extraordinaire

I always found the 'Height Kills' story very amusing.


Kaz

Gave us a good couple of minutes diversion in the office here!