Safe Speed Forums

Rule 30 Use cycle routes where possible

Cycle routes are built in such a way as never to be the shortest distance between two points. They pass through NOTORIOUSLY VIOLENT HOUSING ESTATED and toxic former industrial wastelands cheap enough to buy for the benefit of cyclists.

As a cursory glance at the council's cycling route map will convince you DRIVING WILL ALWAYS BE QUICKER and will save you the bother and embarrassing experience of sacrificing your bicycle to a bunch of threatening 8 year olds.


Rule 31 Cycle lanes on a conventional road

A narrow corridor along the nearside lane of a major primary route riddles with potholes DEAD MAGPIES , dogshit, blocked drains which affords the cyclist the opportunity to use the real roads for a change

Cycle lanes are often painted a peppermint colour to neutralise the stale odour of exercise and panic-induced sweat. In some cases, cyclists will be required to shate a lane with buses and taxis In this case.. the tarmac may be treated with red paint to disguise the blood

Rule 34 When using cycle lanes

Travel in a family group with Dad at the front and youngest at the rear. This will remind other roaad users of a group of mallards travelling to the relative safety of the water for the first time. Only you are taking yoru brood to Britain's most dangeorus roundabout instead

You may be provided with an advanced stop line at traffic lights. This is a wide area of pink or peppermint tarmac where you will just about be able to make out the white bicycle symbol under the tyres of a large 4x4 with bullet proof glass and a driver who will kindly provide you with a definition for the word "thumpable"

Rule 33 Traffic signs

Obey all instructions except any that in your pumped-up and antagonistic state of mind, you do not feel take account of your earnestly held opinions of what is wrong with Britain's roads. For instance.. while technically illegal, cycling the wrong way up a one way street, through a red light and over a disabled pedestrian may be considered an act of self expression by the European Court of Human Rights. But only if you kill someone. Otherwise apparently .. it's just not art

Rule 34 Whilst cycling you should always

hold the handlebars with both hands - except when eating a bag of crisps, gesturing to other road users or adjusting your gonads into their proper storage position at the back of the neck.

Wear Lycra and behave like a fascist

Stop at traffic lights and pick fights with other road users.


Road Junctions are a particular hazard for cyclists as these represent a very real chance for other road users to get the better of them. You may prefer to dismount and wheel your bicycle across the junction.. where you will be laughed at by other road users, including the lowest of the low .. the pedestrian whose ranks you have now joined .. you sad loser!