Safe Speed Forums

*Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."* *
* *
**Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."* *
* *
**Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"* *
* *
**Hardy: "Sorry sir?"* *
* *
**Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"* *
* *
**Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."* *
* *
**Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."* *
* *
**Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."* *
* *
**Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."* *
* *
**Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."* *
* *
**Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."*
*
**Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."*
* * *
**Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."* *
* *
**Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."* *
* *
**Nelson: "What?"* *
* *
**Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."* *
* *
**Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."* *
* *
**Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral."* *
* *
**Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."* *
* *
**Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."* *
* *
**Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."* *
* *
**Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."* *
* *
**Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."* *
* *
**Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"*
*
**Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."* *
* *
**Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."* *
* *
**Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"* *
* *
**Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."* *
* *
**Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"* *
* *
**Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
* *
**Nelson: "We're not?"* *
* *
**Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."*
* * *
**Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."* *
* *
**Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."* *
* *
**Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."* *
* *
**Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"* *
* *
**Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"* *
* *
**Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."* *
* *
**Nelson: "What about sodomy?"* *
* *
**Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."* *
* *
**Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."*
------------------------------------

The RUF Group.

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Safe Speed for Intelligent Road Safety through proper research, experience & guidance.

Very droll

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When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
When I see a youth in a motor car I do d.c.brown

:roftl:

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Nicht ganz im Lot!
Ich setze mich immer wieder in die Nesseln! Der Mad Doc ist mein Mann! Und ich benutzte seinen PC!

UND OUR SMILEYS? Smile ... und the the world smiles with you.
Smiley guy seen when you read
Fine me for Safe Speed
(& other good causes..)

Greatest love & Greatest Achievements Require Greatest Risk
But if you lose the driving plan - don't lose the COAST lesson.
Me?
Je ne regrette rien!

A classic !!

In a nautical vein:

Below are actual (apocryphal) examples from RN/RM Officers formal reports:


His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of it's idiot.

This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope . . always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far . . . and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

Couldn't organise a woodpecker's banyan in Sherwood forest.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

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Gordon Brown saying I got the country into it's current economic mess so I'll get us out of it is the same as Bomber Harris nipping over to Dresden and offering to repair a few windows.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

http://www.wildcrafts.co.uk

My favourite, from an appraisal, is "Suffers from delusions of adequacy"

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When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
When I see a youth in a motor car I do d.c.brown

My favourite...

Is a wheelbarrow worker.

(Only works when pushed)

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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The Ant & The Grasshopper

THE CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican
cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome"

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government repossesses his home. The ant moves to Spain, and starts a successful wine-exporting company.

A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away,
while the council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old House, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mirror blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.

THE END

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Time to take responsibility for our actions.. and don't be afraid of speaking out!

Extending it a bit ...

The spiders take the police to the EU Court because they are repeatedly stopped and searched under the Terrorism Act, held for 42 days without any charges being brought against them and then placed under house arrest. The spiders are also found to be linked with terrorist organisations but cannot be deported because of the Insect Rights Act.

An innocent immigrant spider, working as an electrician is chased and shot 20 times in the head on the underground and the offending officers are not found guilty of murder because they were tried under Health and Safety violations.

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Prepare to be Judged

That was funny until the last para which is so over the top and totally improbable as to be merely silly rather than funny.

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When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
When I see a youth in a motor car I do d.c.brown

Which post?

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Prepare to be Judged

This one

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When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
When I see a youth in a motor car I do d.c.brown

I suggest that you read what really happened in the Jean Charles de Menezes. Unless you were being sarcastic?

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Prepare to be Judged

I think he might have been...

Thank you Mole. You have me sussed

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When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
When I see a youth in a motor car I do d.c.brown

This was the reason I questioned

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Prepare to be Judged

Hope there's something for everyone here

And that's when the fight started...


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
_________________________________________________________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
_________________________________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

Feeling dissappointed, I eventually went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible".

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's when the fight started ....
________________________________________________________

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Oh Shoot. That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as
fast as he could go...

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"

And that's when the fight started......
_______________________________________________________

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer for $14.95 but instead, she bought a jar of ice cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the ice cream.

And that's when the fight started....
______________________________________________________

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's when the fight started......
_________________________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...
______________________________________________________

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a petrol station.

And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________________________________

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The views expressed in this post are personal opinions and do not necessarily represent the views of Safe Speed.
You will be branded a threat to society by going over a speed limit where it is safe to do so, and suffer the consequences of your actions in a way criminals do not, more so than someone who is a real threat to our society.

Smart Arse Answers...

> >
> >
> > 6th Place
> >
> > It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways
> > plane:
> >
> > 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked
> > the man seated in the front row.
> >
> > 'What are my choices?' the man asked.
> >
> > 'Yes or no,' she replied.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 5th Place
> >
> > A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
> > check tickets.
> >
> > As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
> > and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
> >
> > Without blinking an eyelid she said,
> >
> > 'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your
> > stub.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 4th Place
> >
> > A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch
> > of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough
> > for her family.
> >
> > She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get
> > any bigger?'
> >
> > The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're
> > dead.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 3rd Place
> >
> > The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy
> > racer he stopped for speeding.
> >
> > 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby
> > said.
> >
> > The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I
> > could.'
> >
> > When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the
> > kid on his way without a ticket.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 2nd Place
> >
> > A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
> >
> > A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge
> > Ahead.'
> >
> > Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead a nd
> > he got stuck under it.
> >
> > Cars are backed up for miles.
> >
> > Finally, a police car comes up.
> >
> > The policeman got out of his car and walked to the
> > lorry's cab
> >
> > And said to the driver,
> >
> > 'Got stuck, eh?'
> >
> > The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this
> > bridge and ran out of petrol!'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
> > 2009
> >
> >
> > A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of
> > tomorrow's final exam.
> >
> > 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for
> > you not being here tomorrow.
> >
> > I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
> > personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate
> > family, but that's it, no other excuses
> > whatsoever!'
> >
> >
> > A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his
> > hand and asked,
> >
> >
> > 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from
> > complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
> >
> > The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
> >
> > When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at
> > the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
> >
> >
> > 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your
> > other hand'.

_________________
Gordon Brown saying I got the country into it's current economic mess so I'll get us out of it is the same as Bomber Harris nipping over to Dresden and offering to repair a few windows.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

http://www.wildcrafts.co.uk

Hearse stops at traffic lights in the main street, and the braking undoes the backdoor.

Turns right, uphill, and the backdoor opens, letting the coffin loose.

Coffin bounces back downhill, straight through the Chemist's shop door, slams against the counter, tips up and the lid opens.

The corpse says to the chemist.......................?

The village Doctor --

Who was also the police medical expert ( in days before the breathalyzer )- was called to give his opinion on a suspected DD .Weaving into the police station ,leaving a strong odour of uisge beatha came the village Doctor -TO GIVE HIS OPINION "THISH MAN ISH AS SHOBER AS ME " - and he left .Nothing is known of further action against the suspect .

There is also a village rumour that after attending a birth ( where custom demanded that he be given a drink or more ) ,the same Doctor got in the rear of his car ,and called police to report theft of steering wheel etc -

The village Constable ( later to become the Sergeant ) - was rumored to have given a tourist some directions - when asked to point out the way to the local car ferry ,it was rumored that he ( being a man reluctant to take his hands out of his pockets ) , motioned in the correct direction with his size 12 police boot .

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lets bring sanity back to speed limits.
Drivers are like donkeys -they respond best to a carrot, not a stick .Road safety experts are like Asses - best kept covered up ,or sat on

Got anything to stop me coffin