Safe Speed Forums

To the tune for Oliver the musical

In this life, one thing counts

Motorists' cash, in large amounts

Gatsos and talivans hidden in trees

You've got to take a picture or two!

You will get your licence back, your points are given for free.

You've got to take a picture or two, boys, you have to take a picture or two.

£££ Sixty Quids £££ through being hid in the trees, we have to take a picture or two!!!

ROFLMAO!

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Time to take responsibility for our actions.. and don't be afraid of speaking out!

How about a new version of Comfortably Numb dedicated to all drivers who react to cameras and Talivans by eyeing the speedo nervously until they're out of range. And not that crappy bastardized disco job by the Scissor Sisters. If you're going to play it in your head, the proper Pink Floyd version if you please.
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Hello.
Are there any bobbies out there?
Just wave if you can see me.
Are there any on the road?

Hang on, now,
The talivan's in town.
Well I don't need the pain
Of getting fined again.

Relax. Ha!
I need to watch my speedo first.
Got to stay below
Or they'll hit me where it hurts.

I'm worried that they'll catch me speeding.
A distant laser on the horizon.
They're coming at me now in waves.
I was quite safe but they won't hear what I'm saying.
When I was last here I pinged a camera.
It looked just like a new Gatso.
I must watch the speedo once again.
I can't explain, they do not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just about on thirty.
There'll be no more FPNs,
But I no longer watch the road.

Why can't they just give up?
I don't believe it's worth this.
I don't want to be rude
But my concentration's screwed.

I'm worried that they'll catch me speeding.
A distant laser on the horizon.
They're coming at me now in waves.
I was quite safe but they won't hear what I'm saying.
When I was last here I saw a camera flash,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I will not risk my licence now.
The fear has grown, attention gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
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I was going to do something similar to Money, but it's so appropriate as it is.

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Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler - Einstein

Fancy writing to Floyd to get permission to use thier music THEN getting a crowd of us together (football team style) to record it and have it in the charts?

You never know - we could make number 1 !!!

With a little adjustment we could use the bit from Gilbert & Sullivan-

When there's speed enforcing duties and cash collecting to be done
The Partnerships accountant is quite a happy chum,happy one.

When a motorist has his eye not on the speedo -
On the speedo
Or his right foot just goes down a bit too far -
Bit too far
His capacity for innocent enjoyment -
'cent enjoyment
Is just as great on t' bike or in the car -
In the car

Our Gatsos we with difficulty smother -
'culty smother
When the Scamerati duty's to be done. -
To be done
Taking one hypothecation with another -
With another
A Talivan's lot is not a happy one.
ohhhhhh
When the Scamerati duty's to be done. -
To be done
A Talivan's lot is not a happy one -
Happy one.

When the laser twenty twenty is a pointing -
Is a pointing
And the Gatso's silly rulers painted white -
Painted white
And the Captain does his hoopla with a Goodyear -
with a Goodyear
Then his mate he doth ensure it's well alight -
Well alight.

On a peaceful Sunday morning out at 40 -
Out at 40
But the limit it says 30 in the sun -
In the sun
Taking one hypothecation with another -
With another
A Talivan's lot is not a happy one.
ohhhhhh
When the Scamerati duty's to be done. -
To be done
A Talivan's lot is not a happy one -
Happy one.

I was going to rip off Gilbert and Sullivan next, but since you beat me to it I'll do Noel Coward instead
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Regarding yours, dear Mr Ladyman,
Of Wednesday the 23rd,
Though the policy
May be looking good on paper,
How can I make it clear,
That this is not a good idea.
For us to hope,
Dear Mr Ladyman,
Is on the face of it absurd,
Its poor ability
Is not in reality
Sufficient enough,
Flexible enough
For this particular sphere.

Don't put a Gatso on the road, Mr Ladyman,
Don't put a Gatso on the road.
The hospital's are crowded
And it's looking pretty tough
But admitting the fact
That you're desperate to act,
That isn't quite enough.
It's hard to miss, to give the wretched thing its due,
But don't you think the flash is too
Distracting to our eyes?
I repeat
Mr Ladyman,
Sweet
Mr Ladyman,
Don't put a Gatso on the road.

Don't put a Gatso on the road Mr Ladyman,
Don't put a Gatso on the road,
It's a bit of an ugly bugger
You must honestly confess.
And picking on speed
Will surely impede
The chances of success.
It's quite useless at catching all the drunks,
It'll take somewhat more than that
To bring us safer roads.
On my knees,
Mr Ladyman,
Please
Mr Ladyman,
Don't put a Gatso on the road.

Don't put a Gatso on the road Mr Ladyman,
Don't put a Gatso on the road.
Though the DOT might like to think
The Gatso is sublime,
I'm afraid on the whole
It's only real role
Is to give more bloody fines.
It's only good for hitting drivers with a ping.
Aside from that the bloody t t
Can't do a f ing thing.
No more buts,
Mr Ladyman,
NUTS,
Mr Ladyman,
Don't put a Gatso on the road.

Don't put a Gatso on the road Mr Ladyman,
Don't put a Gatso on the road.
It's a poor stand-in for coppers
That we no longer have,
In addition to which
The son of a bitch
Will never touch the chavs.
It's a vile thing and uglier than mortal sin,
One look at it has put me in
A tearing bloody rage,
That sufficed
Mr Ladyman,
Christ!
Mr Ladyman,
Don't put a Gatso on the road.

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Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler - Einstein

Guys, you're all wonderful!

Now don't we have a male voice or two around here?

Safe Speed Radio needs material, and I think we've got some pure gold here.

Someone has to make with the recording device...

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Paul Smith
Our scrap speed cameras petition got over 28,000 sigs
The Safe Speed campaign demands a return to intelligent road safety

Excellent bit of Noel Coward.

How about a bit of F&S to supplement G&S?

Oh t'was on a Monday morning that the Gatso flashed at me
I thought I was a gonner when I got the NIP
But the form it was returned without the signature applied
The lacuna was exploited and the points I did survive
Oh our thanks to you and the boys from Pepipoo.

T'was on a Tuesday morning Yorke and Maudsley case was heard
The judges closed the loophole having thought it quite absurd.
So next time I went past the little flashing yellow box
I look down upon the speedo, braked, and so detector foxed.
Oh our thanks to you and the boys from Pepipoo.

T'was on a Wednesday morning that the partnership unfair
Observing that the catch was low, they strengthened up their lair.
The limit of the road it was reduced absurdly low
But the signage wasn't perfect so the cash still didn't flow.
Oh our thanks to you and the boys from Pepipoo.

T'was on a Thursday morning that another bod was flashed
With lacuna closed and signage right he thought his hopes were dashed
But defence of PACE was put in place which sent them in a spin
And despite the bluff and bluster six months pass and so we win.
Oh our thanks to you and the boys from Pepipoo.

T'was on a Friday morning that the scam it flashed again
The owner named the driver so the PACE was no refrain
The Right to Silence tactic was a solid card to play
Once again the time expired and so the points remain away.
Oh our thanks to you and the boys from Pepipoo.

T'was on a Saturday morning that the twenty twenty spun
The biker who got nabbed was sure he'd been below the ton
The flaws of twenty twenty were uncovered far and wide
And no evidence was offered so the biker still can ride.
Oh our thanks to you and the boys from Pepipoo.

T'was on a Sunday morn they threatened cams on the M4
A protest was arranged and caused a lot to gather fore
The cars they set asunder going slow, within the law
It made the news and so the Gatsos there wlll flash no more.
Oh our thanks to you and the boys from Pepipoo.

This is brilliant, can't stop laughing.

Definatly chart material

Absolutely fabulous!!!

Like it Roger.

:bow:


That's a good idea. Must be someone round here with some musical talent. Sadly it's not me.

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Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler - Einstein

Priceless!


<cough>In Gear?</cough>

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CSCP Latin for beginners...
Ticketo ergo sum : I scam therefore I am!

Sure can sing.... shall get the choir to give it a whirl sometime.

Mad Doc - by the way plays guitars and he can let rip with a wicked lick of

"Life in the Fast Lane" You could adapt the lyric ... like any song
Off top of head ...and needs lot more work...

"He is cold blooded man - he is totally stupid
She is getting on and turning in her grave
She mentioned Gatsos and he was struck by Cupid
and the thought of a knighthood - so brave

He has a nasty reputation as a cruel dude
They say he is ruthless - they say he is crude
They have one thing in common - both as daft as they come
and think from Safety Prats arse cometh the sun

Life in the Slow Lane
Retired Bank managers cause accidents all the time..."
Life in the Slow Lane - Oh yeah!"

. Most of family (mine and Mad Doc's) play some musical instrument - shall try to round them up for a sing song

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Take with a chuckle or a grain of salt
Drive without COAST and it's all your own fault!

A SMILE is a curve that sets everything straight (P Diller).

A Smiley Per post
FINES USfor our COAST!

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon - but driving with a smile and a COAST calm mind.

Brunstrom and the Gatsos, by Stanley Holloway

There's a famous road network in Wales
That's noted as idyllic land
So Chief Constabule Richard Brunstrom
Went there with his ideas in hand.

Now Brunstrom's ideas were quite sweeping
He'd told us his hatred of speed.
With Gatsos and Lasers and Radar
To help him prevent evil deed.

Besotted with number enforcement
Having seen people do forty four
In t' road where the limit was forty
He'd 'ound 'em, so they'd drive no more.

Now Brunstrum had heard about Gatsos
How they was so perfect and 'arsh
So knowing folk broke the speed limit
He 'ung quite a few in the marsh.

Now Chief Constabule Richard Brunstrom
He sat in his car at t'roadside
And t'Gatsos they flashed and they reflashed
And braking the speed did subside

So straight 'way, the brave little fella
He realisde his scheme was quite smart
Got hundreds and hundreds of Gatsos
And put 'em all over the park

The fines they rolled in like confetti
And Gatsos they flashed less and less
So Chief Constabule Richard Brunstrom
Decided he'd sorted the mess.

But then something happened that scared him
Reports with statistics was shown
Although average speed had subsided.
More sheep-shearers down had been mown

So thinking he'd still got a problem
And speed was the only bad thing
He looked at the numbers in t'circles
And lower speed limits he'd bring.

The Gatsos they started to rattle
As motorists braked harsh and late
And previous hassle-free traffic
Did now with the brakes punctuate

Such low speeds made drivers complacent
And carelessness set in to boot
And when the od sheep-shearing Welshmen
Did into the tarmac set foot

They often got hit by the bull bars
On t'front of the four by four truck
Then Chief Constabule Richard Brunstrom
Decided he'd utter "oh dear".

He finally realised 'is folly
Of being besotted with speed
Decided he'd go in to solace
And smoke the odd roll-up of weed.

One Sunday News paper got heads-up
Of Brunstrom's U-turn over this
It publsihed an article proudly
But some thought t'were taking the mickey

The evidence corroborated
The KSIs more elevate
And Chief Constabule Richard Brunstrom
Continued to self deprecate.

He finally cracked and went crackers
And started to flannel and flail
The Gatsos had all been well necklaced
Activity beyond the pail.

The Gatsos, they faded and withered
The road speeds they went back to norm
Occasional bikers hit forty
But never hit sheep-shearing Sean.

The Land now returned to idyllic
And Gatsos no more we need fear
The locals forgave Richard Brunstrom
And started to bring him good cheer.

tada....

Funnily enough I was listening to the original "Albert and the Lion" just a few weeks ago, I can almost hear his voice reciting this one!

Roger, that is the funniest thing I have read in weeks!

_________________
CSCP Latin for beginners...
Ticketo ergo sum : I scam therefore I am!

Why thank you, JT.

I only hope the last couple of verses are prescient.

I just read it aloud in my best Yaaarkshire Ackscent - and it seems to flow ok

With apologies once again to William Schwenk, and Sir Arthur

Ko-Ko from Mikado

On a Fireblade down Whitehall Steve Ladyman sat
Singing, follow, I’ll follow, must follow.
And I said to him Ladyman why do you sit
Singing follow, I’ll follow, must follow.
Is it weakness of intellect minister, I cried
Or financial incentive to get you onside.
With a shake of his head and distinct lack of pride,
He said follow, I’ll follow, must follow.

He revved up his bike as he soared past the Tower,
Thinking follow, I’ll follow, must follow.
And the surge of speed refreshed his Northern brow,
Oh follow, must follow, need to follow,
But while watching the road for the hazards afew
A bright yellow gatso late came to view
And the resultant braking caused him to skew,
I’ll follow, must follow, will follow.

Now I feel just as sure as I’m sure that my name
Isn’t willow, tit willow, tit willow.
Twas simplistic thinking made Ladyman exclaim
“Got to follow, must follow, I'll follow.
The Department of Transport can see only speed
As the main safety issue, to indulge their greed
Now I don’t agree, but to get on I’ll need
To follow, blindly follow, must follow.”

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Fixed ideas are like cramp, for instance in the foot, yet the best remedy is to step on them.

Ian

Genius, tit willow.

I'm going for one from Iolanthe next

The scams are the true embodiment
Of everything that's excrement
They make it slow, they plates can scan
And Steve, my Lords embraces scam.

The constitutional guradian Steve
Of Forums in C S C P
Alll very agreeable folks did post
But questions unanswerable by our host.

A difficult occupation for
A rather susceptible Scameror!

A difficult occupation for
A rather susceptible Scameror!

But though the detriment implied
Inflates him with unfounded pride
It nevertheless can't be denied
He has a most disagreeable side.

Our Kev he shut the forums down
The folks who used to post did frown.
He landed in Safe Speed's domain
And called himself "It's Champion Man"

A difficult situation for
He's such a susceptible Scameror!

A difficult situation for
He's such a susceptible Scameror!

His arrogance and jisty gist
It got the regulars very fed up.
So name, he changed it to Gameboy
Some paradoxical posts ahoy.

But then he gave the game away
With characterstic rants astray
The regulars they sussed him out
And left us all without any doubt

Which is exasperating for
A highly susceptible Scameror.

Which is exasperating for
A highly susceptible Scameror.

If we carry on like this we can do a full G&S LP